They say truth is stranger than fiction, and if this does not prove it, I am not sure what will. I am talking about Arizona’s recently passed House Bill 2036, which contains the following language: “Gestational age” means the age of the unborn child as calculated from the first day of the last menstrual period of the pregnant woman.” You might want to read that again. Arizona’s legislators have written into law that a woman is now pregnant prior to conception. I graduated from high school in 1971, which means I have not taken a Biology class since 1969 or 1970. I know that since I graduated there are new countries taught in Geography, new rules about punctuation in English class and, of course, fuzzy math. I can accept that there are going to be countries that change their names, new words will be added to the dictionary and new theories on how to solve mathematical equations. As someone that believes in evolution I can accept that people may eventually be born without tonsils, but birth beginning prior to conception? I do not think so.

I remember when I first heard about this proposed legislation, it may have been on The Daily Show or Colbert Report, and thinking that the inmates are truly running the asylum if this was “real news.” It seems that I learned of this legislation around the same time that Oklahoma State Senator Constance Johnson introduced her amendment to Oklahoma’s “Personhood” bill, which would have made it illegal for a man’s sperm to be spilled anywhere but inside a woman’s vagina. The thing is, Senator Johnson was making fun of the stupid laws being proposed, and sometimes passed, that attempted to regulate a woman’s reproductive system. She was merely showing how insane government has become. A woman standing up for women’s rights, almost sounds natural; the Arizona legislature must be made up of all men, right? Well, sadly the Governor of Arizona is a female, Jan Brewer. I have not Googled her to find out how old she is, but menopause must have been a very long time ago as she seems to have completely forgotten the entire process of how a woman gets pregnant. I wonder how she would feel if she was in her 20’s and now legally pregnant, unless she is menstruating.

Since the law has been signed, on Friday the 13th, April 2012, and it will take effect 90 days later, I am concerned with the implications. I realize Arizona is a right to work state, but I am sure there are businesses and union contracts out there that provide for paid days off of work for a death in the family. Under this new legislation, some employed women should be getting up to three days off, with pay, at the beginning of every menstruation cycle. If I was a union steward I would have no hesitation in defending the father’s right to mourn the passing of his children on a monthly basis.

Having just visited Phoenix, I could not help but notice that they have HOV (carpool) lanes, at least on I-10. Arizona law states that in order to utilize the HOV lanes there must be at least two people in the car, which includes babies. Since life begins at ovulation, it seems that any female driver that is not menstruating will now have access to the HOV lanes.

Since I am a male, and live in another state, most of these issues have little bearing on my life. The problem is, once we start redefining science and how it applies to women, what will happen when they want to start redefining my reproductive abilities? What if Oklahoma Senator Johnson’s ridicule is adopted in Arizona (or anywhere else)? I think if you can make it a crime to deposit a man’s sperm anywhere but in a woman’s vagina it is not that much of a stretch to be charged with murder for masturbating or kidnapping if you fail to masturbate or have vaginal sex. After all, you are keeping those spermatozoa from being free, and if I recall puberty, those suckers could not wait to get out.

I am kind of torn of the religious aspect of this. I was raised Catholic, so the concept of a woman being with child even if they have not known man is not a foreign one to me; but I always thought Mary was one of a kind that way. At least her story holds more credibility in Arizona.

The phrase one in a million is beginning to mean less and less these days.